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Sketches Of You by ~GrassGirl:iconGrassGirl:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Old Poetry Structure > Emotional


Scenes go blurry within
the shades of color.
My eyes, still burning,
turn from brown to gray.
I am pretending that you see me.

It is almost like spray paint
when you don't shake it.
Liquid mesh sticks to my heart
leaving speckled parts
of unfinished beauty.

For once, in my life,
I hear you.
Acrobatic, wonderful words
fill these cracks within me.
If only it would dry,
leaving no room for escape,
I could walk across
songs of forever.
Nevermore afraid of tripping;
Nevermore afraid of falling
down to where my sight
loses the sunshine in your eyes.

Tomorrow, I will call
to you from afar,
scream from the highest,
and catch the echoes with
this net I made
from my abstract dreams.
©2004-2009 ~GrassGirl
:icongrassgirl:

Author's Comments

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Comments


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:iconbronzecase:
~bronzecase Jan 5, 2004, 4:57:07 PM
This is a great poem, very vibrant and colourful. I love the imagery! ~Casey

--
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I like peanut butter -
Can you skate?

:greetings:
:iconthislightthat:
~thislightthat Jan 20, 2004, 5:54:55 PM
A very nice poem. I really liked the eyes turning from brown to grey (I have a thing about grey eyes and what they symbolize for me). Also very good is the spray paint section. It's really so original, and kind of bizarre, but in the best way. Oh, and I thought the word acrobatic was great there.

But to get some critiques and suggestions in:

There seems to be a conflict between casual and formal language in the poem. You use very modern sentence construction/syntax, yet you avoid contractions and use some highly formal and stylized words like "nevermore." I would suggest opting for a modern feel, based on the poem's form, and while you don't necessarily need to use contractions, I think it would definitely do better without nevermore (might use "never again," or something like it).

In line 11, assuming I counted right, there's a comma that disrupts the flow. It should probably go "for once in my life."

And the last line or so bugged me. I like the idea, but I think it could've been better. I think if you change " abstract" to something else, it would work better.

Alright, so those are my opinions.
Good work, keep it up!

--
Nature in the New Century:
:iconcityofleaves: ~cityofleaves
:iconshooga:
*Shooga Jan 30, 2005, 8:56:13 PM
Another masterpiece of imagery. I think i'm gonna need to watch you now. seriously. awesome writing.

--
Laura
:icongrassgirl:
~GrassGirl Jan 31, 2005, 8:54:02 PM
you are too kind. :)

thank you SO MUCH for the great compliments!

--
~deep throating your poetry~

:ahoy:
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